While Smitty and I would love to be invited to your next friendly game night, we would have to politely decline. Not because we don’t like you, but because we are not allowed to participate in competition – against each other, with each other, near each other, doesn’t matter. Guaranteed to end poorly.
Much of this stems from a core disagreement: I believe there is a right way to play a game/sport (proper techniques, understood norms) and he believes any type of strategy can be implemented (not breaking the rules, but certainly manipulating and using them creatively and to one’s own benefit). He’s a crafty sonofa B.
And he’s gonna be so mad when he reads that analysis of his “gamesmanship”.
Anyway, I’m doubling down on my “THERE IS A RIGHT WAY” theory when it comes to how to enjoy Milagro. But only because I love you and want you to experience it the way we intended.
Just think of me as a chef creating the perfect daily special and then noting “no substitutions” (translation: “JUST TRUST ME I’M A PROFESSIONAL AND I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING”)
We could all learn something from Milagran Rachel (Hi, Rachel!). Rachel is coming in this Tuesday for the 75min Renewing Ritual followed by a 90min massage. Pro move, Rachel. Here is what she’s in for:
Rachel’s appointment time is 10:45am, so she’ll arrive by 10am because that’s how you spa. (Did you know our doors open 30min before our advertised hours?) This will give her PLENTY of time to shed her street clothes and get comfy in one of our famous robes. No rushing. She’ll get a delightful thrill from turning off her phone, thereby absolving herself from the responsibility to instantly reply to everyone else’s thoughts, input, opinions, and emergencies. FREEDOM.
She’ll spend a bit of time in the steam shower, letting the hot humidity soothe everything – her muscles, her skin, her heart, her dry crunchy boogers that result from cold midwest winters. BLISS.
She’ll pour herself some hot tea and settle in to one of our (also famous) gliders, propping her feet on the ottoman with a deep exhale. She still has time to sit alone with her thoughts, where she’ll likely have 5-10 life epiphanies, as is known to happen when we tune out the never ending noise. PROBLEMS SOLVED.
By the time Joann takes her into the treatment room for her ritual, she’ll already be more zen-ed than she’s been in months. Now comes the magic.
First Joann will gently scrub her, head-to-toe, with our fancy loofah mitts. You know that dry, itchy spot in the middle of your back you can’t reach? Scrubbed. Once all her scritches have been scrubbed, she’ll be massaged with warm body oil. Lizard skin? Gone.
It gets better. Joann will then turn her healing attention to Rachel’s purty face – gentle cleanse, gentle scrub, aloe mask. AND THEN – the piece de resistance – SCALP MASSAGE.
There are two kinds of people – those who love scalp massage and those who could never be more wrong.
Rachel is down for the count. And she’s not even halfway done. Her wet-noodle-self is now prepped and fully ready to relax into the life-changing massage she’s about to receive from Maggie. And we all know how that goes.
You don’t? I’ll tell you.
Rachel will likely spend the majority of the 90min in an indescribable place between asleep and awake. She’ll float. She’ll feel every single touch of Maggie’s skilled hands but be unable to put those feelings into words. She’ll be reminded how amazing it is to have a body and how grateful she is to be human. Her worries will quiet. Her racing mind will slow to a crawl. She’ll be able to hear her breath and her heart, literally and figuratively.
And when it’s time to get up, she’ll be herself again. Just Rachel. With softer, more comfortable skin and muscles that move like they’re supposed to. And probably really, really awesome hair.
But no fear! There is a shower waiting. Her ‘do can be fixed, but only after she enjoys a spa-induced nap IN THE LOUNGE WE SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Seriously friends, NAP IN THE LOUNGE. IT’S WHY WE BUILT IT.
You are in no shape to be operating one of our blow dryers, much less a vehicle, within 30min of receiving services. Trust me. You need the transition time.
Rachel’s services will end around 1:45pm, but if I see her emerge from the spa before 3pm, she will have failed me.
Don’t fail me, Rachel. Nap. Linger. Make me proud.
And THAT is how you Milagro. I should know, I'm an expert.
If I see you rush in five minutes before your appointment and rush out while you're still putting clothes back on, I will deem you Team Smitty and know the rules don't apply to you. Cheaters.